Your funeral is tomorrow

Dad,
Your funeral is tomorrow. The earliest day/time we could reserve with the National Cemetery in Riverside is tomorrow at 11:45 AM. We're able to have your viewing earlier that day to have both on one day. After the ceremony friends & family will meet at Mission Inn Restaurant in Riverside. It's a beautiful location that I would have loved to have taken you to when you were alive. I hope you will be there with us in spirit feeling our love for you & overhearing all the nice things people will be saying about you.

I'm looking forward to it & at the same time dreading all the same things:
*Seeing you for the last time
*Seeing relatives I haven't seen since the last funeral or my wedding 9 years ago
*Helping my daughter to understand your death & the celebration we will be having to honor your life
*You being placed in the ground, your last resting place

The funeral is supposed to give me closure. I doubt it will give me that.

Right now I'm dealing with all the final details - contacting family & friends who will be attending the funeral, buying navy blue dresses for your granddaughters, picking up dry cleaning. All those mundane things.

I'm also going over to your house today to spend time with Mom & Bernard, Jr. I stumbled when I tried to tell Astrid where we were going today. When you were alive I always referred to your home as "Grandpa's house" or "Grandma & Grandpa's house." Today I referred to it as "Grandma's house" and Astrid corrected me - "You mean Grandma AND Grandpa's house," she said. I told her it was now "Grandma's house" since you're no longer with us. But I still feel like it's your house. Tears well up in my eyes when I think of all the memories in that house, and I can still see your clothes and hat hanging from the rack waiting for you to return.